Christmas Aspiration Attempt - Blog Post Seven

Life has become a circle.  Days roll into nights and back into days again.  

I have begun to improve my skills in the world of online gaming.  Some of the prizes are substantial and could seriously change my fortunes in my quest.  But my opponents too have the same idea and choose not to make my victories easy.  More often than not entire nights are spent in an ultimately fruitless activity.  I know I should set my sights on something more lucrative, which would be my painting but I just cannot bring myself to lift a paintbrush.  Not again.  Not yet.

I am constantly haunted with the idea that my time is finite and that I should concentrate only on the best path.  But what is that.  Just the day to day needs take up so much time; eating, sleeping, bathing.

I fill my room with paintings to inspire me to work, to focus my mind towards my goal but sometimes their very presence acts more as a reminder of what I am lacking.  How far away I am from my goal.  How I stand little chance of success.

I won't deny it.  I am feeling sorry for myself.  I am trapped in my own personal hell.  A hell I created.  A hell that I inflicted on myself when I thought that this was the life that I wanted.  And now I am trapped.  I know I could give up.  Just climb that fence and walk away but that would be giving up.  I would be forced to face the world and admit that I was just not strong enough.  I would have to face myself knowing.

These thoughts often invade my sleep.  Vivid but unintelligible swirls in my mind. 

What should I do?

Life is just a circle.