Chapter 7 - Who's This in Ma Home

The day after my trip to the BBQ social I was out in my garden when I was approached by a smartly dressed guy.  He seemed familiar but I just couldn't place him.  Trouble was, he seemed to know me.  He said how he had enjoyed our conversation the other day and was intrigued to learn more about my mission to make a million. 

"Oh, hey there... you!"

He went on about the fact that he had a similar dream.  To make his fortune through good old fashioned hard work and that he admired someone, like me, who was doing the same.  It was refreshing he said.  I still hadn't the foggiest who this guy was.  I nodded along politely, I hoped my smile hide the crazy race in my brain as I tried to remember who he was.

"Aww Hell, he knows MY name!"

At last he said something about how being an artist wasn't the best paid career in the world and about how hard it was to make ends meet.  And it clicked!  It was Hugh Ja.. Tobias!  From the cook out!  He looked so different without the hoodie.  It all suddenly made sense.  We chatted for a while and laughed about the cook out.  I asked if he knew the weird guy at our table.  He said he'd seen him before and he was a bit strange but harmless.  I told him I had been a little creeped out by the whole neck sniffing and waving.  Tobias just laughed and said he was always like that.  Glad I dodged that bullet then.

"Baldy was all like, 'cooo-eee'"

After we had talked some more about our mutual dreams to make a million, I suddenly had a crazy idea.  He wanted to make a million, I wanted to make a million there seemed only one logical course of action.

"Wait.  Wait.  I have an idea.."

If he moved in with me we could make a million together.  I put my idea to him.  I'm making an million.  You're making a million.  That's two million. BUT if we lived together and worked on the same million that's like only 500,000 each.  That's like a quarter of the work!  We'd be half way finished in no time... or something.

"So?  What do you think?"

After my wonderful breakdown of the possible finance situation I wasn't sure how this practical stranger would take to being offered the opportunity to move in with a crazy woman.  He took it great!  He loved the idea and soon he was on the phone organising the delivery of his stuff.

"Say cheese.  Mathmatically inept partners, are we!"

Tobias didn't have much stuff.  In fact, he had no stuff at all.  But he did bring S20,000!  Kaching!  I immediately spent some of it improving the house.  This guy may seem nice but I am not peeing in front of him.  No way!  And the less said about showering, the better!  So a separate bathroom was a must.  We did however share a bedroom.  I said bedROOM not bed.  We'll have no funny business thank you.  We are here to make moolah not oo-la-la!

"Don came by the new house.  He knew something was different..."

"... he just couldn't put his finger on it"

I called a couple of friends.  (That's right, I now have enough friends to choose which ones to call!  Get me.)  I chose Eliza and Summer and told them I had big news and to get their tiny asses over here.  Although, I wasn't gifting them with many brains if I thought that they wouldn't notice, the minute they mysteriously materialised on the front lawn, that the house had doubled in size.  But Hey, without a "Move That Bus!" moment there was no hiding this one!  Eliza tried to look interested as I revealed the big news about the house they had already seen.  Summer, bless her, played along, at least I hope she did, I'm beginning to think it may be that she just isn't that bright..

 

 "Guess what?"

  

"I made my house bigger with some random guy's money!"

"WOW! Really?  Can I see?"

I invited them in to sit at my kitchen table.  That's right.  I own a table.  And a couple of chairs.  Oh how the wealthy live!  I can only imagine what wonders I will be able to purchase next.  A stove?  A sofa?  Wallpaper?  I can only dream.

Don gave up on the "Spot the difference" puzzle and asked Tobias.

"Ermm... the house is bigger, dude."

Chapter 6 - Time to Get Some Homies

"Hello?  You Home?"

Luckily I was out.

I had taken it upon myself to cleanse my aura and find new people, new friends.  Less clingy ones. I headed to the picnic spot where I had spent my first lonely evening eating soggy burgers.  There was bound to be some people around there.

"Can I have one?"

I was right, there were people everywhere.  Apparently this was a weekly event, the neighbourhood cook out!  The basic idea seemed to be come down here, eat food and continually change seating arrangements whilst trying to have a conversation and/or eating said cooked food!  Excellent!  I can eat food.  I can talk.  I can have ants in my pants!

"Excuse me.  You are stepping INTO my body!"

I threw myself into it whole heartedly.  I quickly grabbed a hotdog, I think it may have belonged to someone else, but Hey Ho they can always get another one.  I grabbed a seat next to a guy in a cowboy hat and scarily attractive woman.  Buffalo Bill was very charming and we soon got talking about the weather and fishing, and all the usual small talk.  She seemed very quiet and never tried joining our conversation.  I introduced myself and she responded pleasantly enough but that was it.

"Hello.  I am giving you a massive wave even though you are sitting RIGHT there!"

"I don't mean to alarm you Miss but there is a bald guy staring at your neck."

The quiet woman on my right suddenly decided to have a conversation with us.  She introduced herself as Summer Holiday.  Yes, that's right we have another case of parental abuse in the name department.  I swear I have to bite my tongue every single time I hear some of these.  I fully expect the next person I meet to announce they are called Maya Normousbutt, Oliver Clothesoff, Anita Bath or heaven forbid, Drew P Weiner, and expect me to just stand there and nod politely!

"Yeah, so, Summer Holiday, my dad had a sense of humour I guess."

I was very much enjoying myself in the company of my two new acquaintances.  We sat and made small talk most of the afternoon.  I think I am going to like this Summer Holiday, the other guy, maybe, we'll have to wait and see.  I never caught the guy's name, guess he never threw it, but it didn't matter in the end as he didn't stay long.  He finished his food, saddled his horse and vamoosed. 

"Don't'cha love how these hotdogs are either there, in half or completely gone?  No matter how often you bite."

Summer Holiday soon followed and I was left alone on the bench.  But not for long.  Two new friendship wannabes arrived.  Hoods and baldy.  I realised that baldy was the weirdo neck sniffer from before.  I decided I had enough strange friends so I ignored him and focused only on the 'gansta' in white.  He seemed really nice.  He told me his name was Hugh Jass... no only joking, Tobias Kurtz.  I learnt very little about him personally except that he was an artist.  He seemed really friendly and very smart indeed.  I will have to keep my eye on this one.  He could become useful.

"Catch you later!"

"Ok, you are weirding people out now"

Chapter 5 - Better The Devil You Know

My job told me that I would never amount to much in the way of an entertainer if I wasn't good at meeting, greeting and bleating.  So, I was told, in no uncertain terms, to go out and get some friends.  I was right.  I needed four.  I had Eliza (Pancakes' name!).  I had a choice of Llandgrabb, who I hadn't seen in ages and who never answered my calls.  After my performance practicing my jokes on him I cannot say that I am surprised.  And Don Lothario.  It was with a heavy heart that I realised, although I didn't particularly like him he was the person I actually knew best, even if I hadn't wanted to.  I bit the bullet and called him.  He just about wet his pants with excitement and was around almost before I hung up the phone.

The initial conversation didn't go well.  He immediately started with the flirting.

"No.  Just.  No."

I told him straight (again) that I was only after friends because of the fact that my crazy boss (for a job I was computer survey selected for) said I needed some and he was one of the only people I'd met so far.

"Okay, are we straight?"

He didn't take it too well.  I actually thought he might cry at one point.  For a tough guy, ladies man he was the real sensitive type.

"I'm.... a jerk."

I knew I needed a friend and although this guy is not what I would choose if I was allowed to pick anyone in the world but I guessed he wasn't as bad as all that.  I felt a bit cruel, too, taking out my work frustrations on him, even if he is an arrogant, self centred, legend in his own lunch-break!

"I really have to do this... Don't I?"

I slapped on my best "see I'm enjoying this" smile.  I tried my best to be friendly.  I apologised for snapping at him and explained it was work but that I truly was only after a friend, nothing more and that I thought, if he could avoid some of his stalker tendencies, we could have a reasonable friendship.  Maybe more like acquaintance-ship.

"I...ummm... I like your hat."

He brightened up and said that that sounded okay.  Unfortunately I could tell, from his immediate flirtatious joke, that he had, indeed, not understood at all.  I knew I was letting myself in for trouble.  I should keep my distance but I need this guy for my quest to get my million.  I smiled and joked and laughed along with him and soon we were thick as thieves.  (Some of us thicker than others.)

"Yay! You're my friend.  You total psychopath!"

Once he got going it was hard to make him stop.  We had been chatting for hours and hours.  He had calmed down on the advances but I really was beginning to lose the will to live.  I gritted my teeth and bared it.

"Please.  For the love of God.  Go away."

It was getting dark when he finally left.  He gave me a wink, a dig in the ribs and a 'got ma ladies waitin' comment.  Then swaggered off.  I have a crazy friend.  Joy.  

In need of some intelligent conversation, I went to see my plants.  They needed some TLC so I set to work.  I also harvested a few of my consumables.  Which I don't seem able to consume.  Not directly, anyway.  I need to put them into the fridge first before I can force my hand to take them to my mouth, in the guise of something else.

Whilst gardening I had this strange sensation, in my head.  It was like my brain had filled to the top with gardening knowledge and then popped.  Like some kind of indicator bar had filled up whilst I gardened and then reset itself.  After this happened I suddenly knew how to make my plants bigger and better.  So, I did.

"zzzzzzapp!"

With my new knowledge I knew that I would be able to sell on my bigger, better produce and make more money.  Soon, I would have enough to start doing up my house.  I had so many plans, but I have to think small.  Don't spend to much.  It's all about accumulating that $1,000,000.  More stuff, more bills.  Tax man... Grrrr!

"Perhaps, a window?  One day.  One day."

After day-dreaming a while about the mini mansion I shall soon create with my potato money I decided to finally go inside to my no-floor-no-paint-no-lights house and try out.... the loo!  My first toilet.  How long had my buttocks waited to feel porcelain?  I had no idea but it was heaven.  I most definitely Pee'd Like a Champion.  And I shall again!

"So this is a toilet."

"I like it!"

"But what happened to my legs?"

Chapter 4 - Four Walls Maketh a Home

"Man walks into a bar....  Says 'OWW!!'"

"...."

I am quite probably THE worst stand-up comedian in the entire world.  I have neither comic timing nor stage presence.  My jokes have as much impact to the world as a fart in a hurricane.  I need fart in a lift level of impact, or indeed higher!  It just isn't going to happen.  Once I have raised enough money I am going to buy a musical instrument of some sort, that has got to be better than this... surely!

I did manage, through sheer force of will, raise enough money at work to build myself a modest little home.  It's four walls and a roof.  That's it.  But it is enough to house my bed, shower and toilet.  That's right, toilet.  I am now, officially, a bog owner.  Fully licenced.  I also moved the tree and the garden again to make it more 'homely'.  It was sensationally hard work.

"Dang!  Down I go again!"

I invited a few of my limited number of friends over to celebrate my new abode.  Namely, the Pancakes woman and well, that was it.  I really need to get more friends!  I had no way of cooking anything but after quickly nipping round the neighbourhood and picking a few veggies in the garden I rustled up enough to order a pizza.  It was delivered in under forty minutes so we didn't get it for free, poop.  Again, with no table as of yet, I had to serve it on the lawn.  

Although I am now the proud owner of a beautiful, if somewhat crappy, toilet, old habits die hard and I peed myself again... on the pizza... Pancakes mopped it up.  You'd think I would be embarrassed.  But I'm not.  It happens so frequently now I barely even notice.

"Ooops!  Could you get that?... Cheers."

Apart from my additional pizza toppings everything was going well at my party until Mr Brag turned up.  He cornered me by the apple tree and just would not let me go.  He had some new kung fu, or tai chi, or chai tea move to show me.  I've no idea what and I remain, to this day, undisturbed by that fact.  I desperately tried to get Pancakes' (what IS her name) attention but it appears that people know about ol' Don and are less than keen to purposefully introduce themselves into a conversation with him.

"Hello?   Hello?  Little help?"

All in all though my party was a success although it did highlight that I needed some friends.  I am going to need help to reach my goal.  I need friends.  Four friends.  I have Pancake.  And I think with a little work and a few less jokes Mr Llandgrabb could be on my list.  I have this awful feeling I may need Lothario (be still my beating heart *cough*).  But there has to be someone else in this place.  Somewhere!

"Soggy pizza?  ..... Anyone?"

Chapter 3 - Showering in the Roses

"I can carry this bed with one hand! Porta-bed!"

I have made some money.  Apparently my joke writing skills were not as horrendous as I had assumed.  So I went out and got myself some essential household items.  Although I have no house to hold them.  Also... I assume I went out and bought them.  They weren't here.  Then they were.  And now I have less money.  So... I guess I bought them.  I rearranged my garden a little bit to make the shower and bed (the entire contents of my hold free house) look better.  It was no mean feat, digging up a tree and moving it to the head of my bed.  After several hours of digging, struggling and replanting I considered the fact it may have been easier to move the bed under the tree....but that's defeatist talk!

"Shower.  Plants.  Looks like it's naked time!"

I quite like my little garden shower affair.  It's like bathing in nature.  I am close to the spirits of the earth and can become one with the elements of nature.  My chakras become aligned as I am cleansed of all the soilings of the modern world.... Yeah, who am I kidding?!  Basically I use it to wash after I pee myself.  I really need to buy a loo, the whizz 'n' wash method of living is only going to work for so long.

"Yeah, so they put the bed in the wrong place.  I spent all morning shifting the tree."

After I had finished rearranging the garden/house in the most impractical manner I realised that I was not alone.  A well dressed, skinny gentleman (I am beginning to feel like a complete butterball in this place!  I am going to have to hit the gym!) has been watching me.  I explain that I was just trying to make my facilities more pleasant by errmm... moving the tree.  He seems a little uneasy, as if I am a lunatic and actually looks like he may run away when I tell him I am here to to make a million simoleons.

"That guy is why you need to buy some walls, lady"

Although he seems a little scared he also appears to be friendly and willing to over look the "freaky butterball sim living in the abandoned lot" thing that I have going on and we actually have a very pleasant conversation.  His name is Llandgrabb, think that's what he said, and it appears he IS the big shot around here (sorry Lothario).  He owns everything, and I mean everything.  But unlike my acquaintance Don he is not boastful about it.  He just says it like it is.  Speaking of Don, he turns up whilst we are chatting and hangs around, just off scene.  He looks miserable.  He is probably itching to impress me with some story of how many babes he's pulled since our last meeting, about 18 hours ago, I'm sure it must be well into double figures.  But my new friend and I manage to completely ignore him and he wanders away.  I promise Llandgrabb that as soon as I have some walls into which to invite him I'll give him a call.  But for now I have some practicing to do, jokes don't write themselves...

Chapter 2 - Making My Mooch

 

"This will be the death of these shoes."

Well, I've been at this whole make a million thing for a couple of days now and to be honest it's a bit of a drag! I decided that I would continue fishing and plant some plants that I could harvest and sell.  They are doing pretty well but I have a problem.

I smell

 

"One more potato towards my million..."

There is pretty much no denying it now.  I am unable to find a public lavatory and as a result have... well, basically, peed myself on at least three occasions now.  I'm not proud of it.  I will say no more about it.  But it stands there as fact for all to see.  And it is going to take a lot of veggies to get me enough dough to buy a shower!  I need to get my mooch on.  There are some beautiful houses on this street, there is bound to be someone willing to help a girl out.

 

 "Hello? Suckers?"

How about that wonderful property just across the road from me.  These look like a likely pair of moocher prey.  Knock, knock.  It just opens.  There is no sign of anyone about, is the door on weights? Magnets?   Invisible butler?  Anyway I'll head in, I may as well make myself at home.  I really need to pee again.

Unfortunately for all involved the owner of the house, one Mrs Pancakes (once again, no joke here!) stops me to say hello just as I'm venturing to find that porcelain throne.  So, once again, I pee myself, right in her hallway.  I'm mortified, but she seems oddly pleased and whistles while she mops it up.  She says nothing more to me (hardly surprising really), so I head to find a bathroom.

"I can see my house from here!"

What I found was one of the most beautiful spare room I've ever seen.  I make myself at home.  After one amazing shower I borrow some PJs I find in a drawer and get myself some shut eye!  This'll beat that park bench any day!

"One more game and it's down to business."

Nap over!  I have been counting the simmies in my pocket and realise that, with the 2 Simmie piece I found behind the toilet, I have enough to pay the job finders fee!  Yay!  Luckily these people have a computer.  I head online and fill in my details.  After telling them my martial status, address, shoe size, favourite turnip recipe etc.  They give me the job I am most suitable for... I am going to be... downloading.... downloading.... Entertainer!!!  What!?  That's what I am destined to be!?  Oh geezz!!

"A fridge!  Gotta get me one of these!!"

I cannot believe it.  An entertainer.  I head downstairs and raid their fridge.  I've seen nothing of Mrs Pancakes since the whizz incident in the hallway.  Guess I should be glad of that, not a conversation I'm ever looking forward to having!  

Mmmmm... cereal.  Bran cereal.  It's called Plain Ol Bran and it very much lives up to its exciting name!  But it's food and it fills a hole.

As a newly discovered entertainer I am told I need to practice music or write jokes and I need some charisma!  Well, I have bags of that baby!  But my jokes and music skills leave a lot to be desired.  I think I am more of a musician, they must have an instrument somewhere in this palace of a house.  But after extensive searching... they don't.  Poop.  Looks like it's joke writing for me then...

"What do you call two robbers?      A pair of pants!!"

"No... what?... Wait that should be a pair of knickers... pair of knickers!!"

Chapter 1 - I'm Going to Make A Million!

"Hi"

So, hey there!  My name is Farrah Buatamante and I am on a mission to make a million simoleons.  I will be a sim millionaire!  Don't believe me... well, read on disbelievers!!  I already have this piece of land, my cousin Angus gave it to me.

Don't know why he gave it to me.

Don't know how he got it in the first place.

Don't care!

It's mine now and it is where I shall make my million!

I also have a bin, mustn't forget the bin.  All millionaires start off with a bin.  First pick up the rubbish then get a giant bank balance!

If I am going to make a million I am going to need something to sell... hmmm.... there are a few rocks and things around, maybe there's gold in them thar rocks?

But, no, not in these shoes, I'll leave the mining to the gnomes! Hi Ho!!

I wonder if there is anything about my person I can use..

"Hey! I can get Tetris on this thing!"

I seem to have a mobile phone.  Apparently I get a free contract and data allowance cos I sure as heck haven't got any money to pay for it!  I don't seem to have much more though... Except...

A fishing rod!  How did I manage to carry that?  No, seriously, where was it?  It worries me!

 

"We call this 'a tiddler'!"

Anyway, it looks like I now have the means to catch some stuff to sell!  But not eat.  Nope, nope, nope...ewwww fish guts!  So, I bought myself some burgers which I cooked in the local park.

"Oh my word this is lame!"

I really hope no one I knows sees me.  I am eating soggy burgers in the park, in the dark, with only a bench to look forward to for my first nights sleep!  Well, I suppose they won't see me, firstly, cos it's dark and secondly cos I have no friends...

 

"Sucks to be me"

I really need some friends.  If only just so I don't feel so loser-ish.  If there is one thing I really hate being it's loser-ish.  There must be someone round here I can talk to.  

Look, there's someone... 

 

 "What?... What the hell is that guy wearing?!"

This guy comes up to me.  I can tell from a distance that he's an idiot.  What is with the hat!  And the skinny ganster look..errm.  But at least he's another sim, I can finally get some social going on!

 

"Hi.  I'm new here..."

  

"Nice tattoos.  Least he's managed something right!"

He says his name is Don Lotahrio.  Nope, in all seriousness, that's his name.  He said it with a straight face and everything.

 

"So...."

I tried to get out of him what was good and what wasn't round here.  He seemed pleasant enough, I was just wondering if it was appropriate at this stage in our relationship to ask him my burning question... Where did that fishing rod come from?  Or for that matter go!?   When he suddenly started flirting with me!  What?!  Seriously?  We just met!

 

 "I'm sorry... What did you say!?"

The arrogance of this guy!  He just goes on and on, even after I made it perfectly clear I wasn't interested.  Some of the stuff he said was shocking!

 

 "I...I really don't care!"

I finally manage to make him get the picture that I'm not interested in his advances so he moves on to what I soon realise is his favourite topic...himself.  And while I was happy for someone to talk to, bring up the old social, I began to wish I'd chosen someone else.  He goes on and on about working out and how many 'chicks' he has and that he was somewhat of a big shot around here...blah blah!  Giving it the big 'I am'.  

In the end I couldn't take it anymore.. Seriously, the man is an ass..