Saturday, 30 April 2016

Christmas Aspiration Attempt - Blog Post 2

All the days seem to be rolling into one.  I have actually started marking them down, as I see the sun rise I mark another day, just to remind me that time is passing.  That I am growing older.  That the time for me to complete this challenge is growing ever shorter.

Sometimes I question why I am doing this.  What could I possibly achieve in this challenge?  This will take me most of my lifetime, if not all of it. And for what?  I will never have time to have children of my own, the time for children will be well passed by the time I step out from behind this picket fence: a mansion baron.

The hardest part is the bit I thought would be easy.  It's the loneliness.  I cannot believe how lonely I get.  Or how quickly it comes upon me.  I have tried to find friends and solace on the Internet but it just isn't enough and there are so many weirdos out their.  As soon as I strike up conversation it's all "send us a photo" or "can we meet?"  Then there are the ones that I do talk to for a while, they seem normal, but when I bring up what it is I am trying to do they back off pretty fast.  I become the weirdo.

I have taken up gardening, just so I can have something else living in this house. 

Something to talk to.  

Something to touch.

I got the seeds in the mail.  It was easy enough to order them online. I didn't even see the postman.  He doesn't come up to the house, just throws the mail into the box from the street.  I guess word has got out about the crazy woman in the fenced in house.

I continue to work on my painting skill.  I think it is my only chance of getting enough money to complete my goal.  It takes up a lot of my time and right now that is what I need.  Distractions.  Distractions from the ticking of the clock.  Distractions from the trill of crickets from the field I cannot go to.  Distractions from my own mind.

I know I can leave at any time, this imprisonment is only being enforced by my own will but I can't.  I won't give up.  This is what I have chosen to do.  This is my life path.  I will follow it to whatever end appears on my horizon.


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